Dear Parents of Boys - A New Sex Education

Dear Parents of Sons -- A New Sex Education:

Here is a great "love letter" to read at dinner, Sunday School, your next family meeting, sex education class or ... anywhere, really!

Sex education. Now that is a job. I began searching the internet for what I thought would be a great practical modern sex education program for boys 

Couldn't find a good program, so I wrote my own!

These are my views and my values and not medical or legal information! This is love letter, after all. And, this is the internet -- not Grey's Anatomy!

So, I am writing from my heart as the parent of a daughter and a former social worker who has worked with many women who have been the victims of sexual assault. 

My experience has been that sex education programs in the schools are not very helpful and that parents provide far too little information that is far too impractical and far too late.

+Start early!
+Be specific! 
+Be very, very concrete. Our children are very stupid when it comes to sex.

Example: During my daughter's first week of high school, she overheard a conversation at lunch about who had already been "fingered" and who hadn't. She wasn't ready for such lunch time conversation. Neither was I!

The range of experiences of teens is astronomical. I have a friend who had her first kiss when she was 16 and I know man who first had intercourse at 13. 

So, if we parents want to get there first with the correct information and promote our own values, we have to start early. Parents, what do you think of 6th grade to begin talking about sexuality?

As a parent, I want very young children, to know and feel confident using the names of every body part and have no shame in discussing them. I also want children to know the names of every body part of the opposite sex with no shame attached. 

If we want our children to be able to tell us anything and share anything with us, we may need to more about sexuality than we know now! There are many books on sexuality in the library and book stores.

I am almost old enough to be  my child's grandmother and I did not realize how much the world has changed. I was far, far behind.  

The culture has changed tremendously and just because "dating" doesn't exist anymore and kids are hanging out in groups does not mean that they are not having sex. Many parents assume that because their teen hangs out in groups, they s/he is not sexually active. Do not count on it.

Have you, the parents of boys, discussed these topics:

Boys need to know that girls are often very vulnerable to their approval. Sadly, some girls will engage in sexual behaviors that they do not want and that they regret in order to gain approval, to attract boys, to get a boyfriend. 

[And, parents of girls need to teach them that it is better to never have a date or never have a boyfriend than to engage in sexual behavior that they do not want in the hope of gaining a boy's approval.]

Boys,  "man up." Boys must set standards for their own conduct --a combination of your personal values, your religious values and their own chosen values.  No matter what a girl is willing to do, a real man, even if he is 14, will stick with his values! And, girls will love it!

Boys must know that sexual coercion, emotionally bullying, threats end relationships, etc. are not acceptable. It is not acceptable to make relationships contingent upon sexual behavior. Ever.

A daughter needs to know that both parties need to be enthusiastic partners in any activity. He can say, "NO!" And, she can say, "NO!"

Boys and men need to know that he has to have a very willing, confident and sober "YES!" to proceed with any sexual activity including kissing.

[Of course, young people (I define that as under 30 :-) are immature by definition. It is our job to help them understand others. Many boys think that girls have all the cards -- and girls think that boys have all the cards.] 

Some young gentlemen are taught to ask, "May I kiss you?" "May I put my hand here?" "May I touch you here?" "Are you ready for this now?" I think this is wonderful. 

My standard: Sex is for adults. No sex before monogamy. Have a timeline in mind in advance for each relationship. Many relationships will end before getting to the intimacy stage!

If a boys thinks he will marry around 26 and wants to begin having sex at 16 with about 4 girls/year -- does he really want to have had 40 partners before he marries? Maybe, maybe not. 

No one is ready for sex who can't face any & all consequences. Are you sending your son off to college or work and do you suspect that he is sexually active?

My definition (and I think most doctors would agree): If an activity includes the mouth, anus or genitals, it is sex. Oral sex is sex. STD's can be transmitted by the mouth or anus.  

How much do our sons know about the anatomy and physiology of girls? Have you had that talk or read the book?

Boys need to know that girls are more vulnerable to STD's because their sexual organs are internal and are a "spongy" material while a boys are external and are "skin" -- less vulnerable to STD's.

Is your son ready to face STD prevention and pregnancy prevention? Boys need to be ready to carry their 50% of all responsibilities. 

Do you sons have enough money to afford routine STD testing & treatment?

No form of contraception is 100% reliable. Is your son prepared to pay 50% to keep pregnancy test kits on hand? 

Girls need to begin visiting the OB/GYN when they become sexually active -- over the age of 18 or 21, of course.

Is your son able to accompany his partner to the doctor and pay for 50% of the bill? He is an equal partner and this is one of the costs of adult sexual behavior. 

Is your son able to pay for half the cost of oral contraceptives -- the most reliable form of contraception? We want him to be an equal partner.

Does your son have & know how to correctly use condoms? Are you sure?

Have you and your son talked in detail about what would happen if a sexual partner of his got pregnant. Abortion? Keeping and rearing? Adoption? Have you had that talk? 

How would you feel about abortion, rearing a grandchild or having a grandchild adopted? 

Does your son know the cost of these various options and are all of you prepared? 

Does your son have the money for the cost of an abortion? Is he and are you ready for a paternity suit? Can he pay child support? 

Does your son know about the high incidence of rape and that the likelihood is that some girlfriend of his has been molested.and will need his complete and total understanding and support?

Only boys and men can stop rape. Girls and women can only be so careful. Are you aware and is your son aware that it is deeply immoral and illegal to have sexual contact (that can include fingers, mouth, anus, objects, etc) with persons who are intellectually or emotionally impaired, under-aged (defined by law), intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs. It is too sad that most rapes are committed by males on their own friends and acquaintances.

So, let's get busy. We have work to do. Start talking!

Who knew sex was such a romantic topic!  

Don't forget: These are my views and my values and not medical or legal information! I have worked with many young women and heard many sad stories.

Love, 

Vivian