Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Dear Sluts and Whores

Dear Sluts:

What do you call a man who "sleeps around?" Who cares? I'm on to something much more interesting!

Sluts and whores is old school. Remember when it was an insult. Now, I have come to love those words! Sticks and stones, I guess.

Besides, I'm over 60. I am begging someone to call me a slut. I am trying to figure out an anonymous way of calling myself a slut or whore.

What do you call a woman who sleeps around? I use to call her a "sexual adventurer." Oh, what a ring that has! 

Then, I realized that was very limiting and there must be many more delicious, tantalizing, exciting terms for such sexy ladies! And, I am just the word witch to find them. 

Here are mine! Please share yours!

A Womanly Daredevil -- I like it! It makes me think of circuses. And, clowns. Oh, and motorcycles. much more sexy! Yes, I like sexy Daredevils. I can just see it on someone's locker: DAREDEVIL!

A Sexual Entrepreneur? Does that imply creativity or imply an exchange of money. Can't quite decide.

Sexual Gambler! Sexual relationships are always a gamble, aren't they!

Sexual globetrotter? Does that apply to women who stay in one town? Can a sexy woman "globetrot" around her town? I say, yes! A Sexual Globetrotter can have sex in every village, town an city in her county!

Heroine? Yes! A Sex Heroine! Yes! Saving men or women from dull lives and introducing them to... the... dangerous life of sensuality!

Madcap? Oh, yes! I like! Let's call sluts and whores "madcaps!" 

Hateful old woman to her hateful old lady friends at LNO: "My son is going out with a girl who is an absolute... ... a... madcap who has had sex with the entire football team! My darling son has only had sex with the cheerleaders, the pompons and his teachers!"

A Sexual Opportunist... hmmm...I was assuming everyone was willing!... Or would that be a lovely lady who has sex at every opportunity! Park benches! Buses! Trains! Oh, don't be silly, we have a terrible mass transit system! Stick with park benches.

Sexual Pioneer? Yes, yes, yes! "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" Her: "No, but I will buy you one! I am a Sexual Pioneer. What kind of car are you driving. Hey, YOU. Get up off the floor."

A Sex Pirate. Who doesn't want to be a sex pirate? 

Can't you hear Rush Limbaugh now? "A bunch of crazed Sex Pirates broke into a pharmacy in Janesville, WI and stole female condoms and spermacidal gels! Female Sex Pirates are terrorizing every man over the age of 18 and all the young boys trying to look 18."

Sex Romantic. Headlines across the country:  Women who refuse to share their names have been having random sex with men and leaving nothing behind but their underwear -- and a single rose. The men return over and over to the bar where they met these so-call "Sex Romantics" trying to find the girl who smells like the underwear... I mean fits the underwear... because they are bewitched. Bewitched, I say!

Sexual Speculator? Hmmm... Not sure. These are Sexual Adventurers who are trying to invent new positions and sell articles to magazines. 

Sexual Stunt Woman - We all wish to be called SSW's! Hey, if I found that written on my windshield, I'd draw a smiley face underneath!

Sexy Swashbuckler?  It has an old fashioned ring to it. 

On the evening news: "A group of Swashbucklers boarded a boat in Lake Geneva and had sex with the men on board in full view of a restaurant patio. The patrons of the restaurant took pix but no one called the police until the Swashbucklers had left in their mini-vans. 

Sexy Travelers, Sexy Venturers, Sexy Voyagers,  and Sexy Wanderers... Oh my! Can't you just hear the minister now?

"Young men, do not be victim to Sexy Venturers. Do not fall prey to the Sexy Travelers in your college dorm. They merely want to exercise the pleasure centers in their brains. Try out some freedom. Experiment on their bodies and yours! Walk tall down the street. Be full and complete human beings -- as you are. 

Don't you just love language!?!

Your friend, 

PS A condom plus reliable BC and common sense

Dear Pregnant Men

Dear Fertile Men:

Time for true confessions. I am a coward and I am sure I am not the only one. That is why I  love strong and responsible men so much!

I am a physical coward; a financial coward; and, an emotional coward...

There is no hardship or challenge or difficulty or hangnail in life that I am going through alone. Not. One.

In my immediate family I have 2 doctors, an attorney, a nurse, a PA, a psychologist and numerous criminal offenders. My childhood Sunday School class have been in prison.

Does peeing on a stick, DNA testing and "paternity suit" mean anything to you?

Here is the deal:

Forget this poopy head stuff about more birth control options being available to women than men.

Forget any poopy head stuff about the owner of the egg being the responsible party -- every tried to tango alone? Or... ever tried to get pregnant alone? 

If I am pregnant, so is the responsible sperm donor. And, his entire family. All of his friends. Metaphorically speaking.

I am notifying you and your parents, with all love in my heart, that you do not want to face a paternity suit and 18 years of child support and negotiations with a crazy woman you met once at the Saloon for Wild and Wooly Wo/men at bar time.

Ohhhhhh... It was an accident! I understand! You were having sex and your car exploded and you had a flat tire and your furnace blew up and...

Sex fiends, man whores and Conservative Religious men: zip it up and quit calling women whores and sluts. Someone is knocking. Go answer your door. You've been served! Haven't you figured out what is causing this, yet?

Love, love, love,

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Dear Man Whores and Conservatives

Dear Man Whores and Conservatives:

I was reading yet another rant from yet another troll about how, “If you sluts just kept your legs together you wouldn’t have to get abortions because you are so selfish you just want careers and don’t want anything but perfect babies and eggs and tea in China and coffee cake and…”

When it struck me like a blinding light that men are responsible for all pregnancies and all abortions and have the power to solve the problem!

We have a solution! Men, stop impregnating women. It is that simple!

Of course there is no way to stop abortion altogether because there will always be medical emergencies, for mother and fetus.

It is time for men to step up and be the heroes of abortion controversy!

1.   Men, you can completely celibate lives!

Yes, man whores and serious conservatives, for the sake of ending selective abortion, live completely celibate lives. Or…

2.    Have a vasectomy! Already have a child or two? Perfect! The world doesn’t need any more children and neither do you!

3.    Never have unprotected sex. Never. Ever. Ever. With anyone. No matter what.

4.    Always use 2 methods of birth control. This is called The Condom Plus Plan!

5.    Never trust a woman or one method: Use a condom plus oral contraception.

If a woman tells you that she in “on the pill” ask to see the package and check the date of the prescription and check the day the last pill was taken. Ask how long she has been taking the pills and where she receives health care. Now, we will all feel better – after putting on a condom!

6.    Do your own investigating: If a woman tells you she has an IUD, vaginal ring (NuvaRing), gets BC shots, has a BC patch  or implant, ask her what type, who her doctor is, how long she has had it, etc.

In the unlikely event she is using a diaphragm or cervical cap, you must see it to believe it!

Of course, if she isn’t really using any of these methods or isn’t up to date, it will be obvious – if you are a good interrogator. Do you want to have sex with a liar? Of course you do! You will have sex with any moving object.

If she is too impaired by drugs or alcohol to answer your questions, well… now… proceeding to have sex would be rape, wouldn’t it?

7.   Always use a condom plus a supplementary method. So, it may be time to visit the drug store!

8.   So, that leaves female condoms and spermicidal creams, film, foam, gel and suppositories.

And, a condom! Duh!

Now, all of you anti-abortion man-whores and raving conservative religious gentlemen, we have solved the problem of abortion!

You were the cause of abortion all along! Who knew? But, of course, we love you! And, since you love to be the big boys in charge, we put you in charge.

Stop impregnating women.

Your friend,