Dear Billionaire Dog Hater & Theocratic Lady-Part Lover

Dear Republican Voters:

Yes, I am speaking to Billionaire Dog Hater and Theocratic Lady-Part Lover: Take better care of your dogs and my Lady Parts. Now, on with the elections.

I love you passionately! Voters deserve some kind of special recognition--a tax break would work for me. Doesn't voting just give you a natural high? I feel giddy all day long on ELECTION DAY. Then...election watch parties make me tingle all over. It could be the vodka, though--you never know.

Today is a very special day for me. Wisconsin has an Open Primary and I get to vote for a Republican Presidential Candidate. Oh, I am woozy just thinking about it!

The choices are simply delicious! Who is writing this script? It has to be a tree-hugging Volvo driving pinko commie socialist fascist lib comedian! No. No, I am wrong. No one could make this stuff up!

My Sample Ballot reads:

President of the United States - Republican Party

NEWT [the serial adulterer] GINGRICH (Republican)
JON [too intelligent] HUNTSMAN (Republican)
MITT ["not stiff"] ROMNEY (Republican)
MICHELE [batshit crazy] BACHMANN (Republican)
RON [let 'em die] PAUL (Republican)
RICK [loves/hates lady parts] SANTORUM (Republican)
UNINSTRUCTED [hahahaha] DELEGATION (Republican)

What utterly delicious choices! For sheer hilarity, this cannot be beat! There is not a single candidate that thinking people like--Huntsman had to withdraw. He passed an IQ test. None of them have a heart. The ironies are too much to bear! I have 7 hours until I vote at 7:55! Help me decide!

Of course, I cannot waste a vote on Jon Huntsman--we all knew that Republicans would not choose a thoughtful, educated, well-spoken man with something to say about foreign policy.

No, that would not appeal to "the base." "The Base" being right-wing religious nuts who believe that Democrats are simultaneously socialists and fascists and don't believe in reading newspapers--or is it just the New York Times? Oh, and are anti-education, pro-low wages, against workers rights and benefits, against health care that they themselves need... Is this a nightmare?

I have always had a sick and perverted desire to see Michele Bachmann debate President Obama. I have the nauseous feeling he would go easy on her and the sure sense that Fox News would report that she had won the debate if she got her name right. Or, even if she didn't get her name right.

One thing I simply adore about Right Wing Republicans is their sheer hypocrisy and complete lack of morality. YES! I love the Newtster! Doncha just love redemption! I tried that on a couple of old boyfriends--and, honestly, the wounded party does not give a flying hoot owl about redemption. But, you have to love a PARTY OF FAMILY VALUES who supports a serial adulterer.

Ron Paul is so cute--I love little old men. But, good G-d, I'm glad he's not my doctor. Imagine forgetting to pay your last bill!?! "Well...we all make choices. Vivian made a choice. She is an adult. Bring the family in to say goodby..." Nah...not voting for him. I am a procrastinator and I don't want to die for it.

Mitt and I have so much in common. ...? ...? ...? Ah! We both have a dog! That story will never die! My dog told me not to vote for him and what she says goes. I did take his advice to, "Go buy health insurance anywhere you want to." It didn't work. No one would sell it to me! Of course, were I he, I could buy the hospital! Aha! That is the answer! Sick people need to just buy a hospital--the way he is buying his bid at the presidency. I hope he doesn't buy the presidency...think voting machines...

Oh, I just love Ricky Santorum-the cheap little theocrat! Don't you think he looks a little crazed in the eyes? He wants to have a little theocracy filled with pregnant women--pregnant women without insurance? Without healthcare? Without mamograms and PAP tests? Where non-Catholics and non-Evangelicals cannot get birth control because employers no longer have to provide it? SO THEY CAN ALL SAVE A DIME! But, he sure does love lady-parts, doesn't he! Must be women he hates.

OK, I think I have my choice--what about you?

I just love the Republican presidential candidates don't you? This is more fun than a three ring circus--oh, wait! It is a three ring circus!!!

See you at the polls!

Oh, dear! Hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I love you all: I really, really do! Alduterers, Billionaire Dog Haters, Theocrats, Bat-S@#$ Crazies, Euthanizing Doctors... The greatest show on earth!

Your friend,

Vivian