Dear Marriage Obsessed Heterosexuals

wEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2011

Dear Heterosexuals

Dear Heterosexuals;

[I published this letter 2 years ago on the Defend Wisconsin News Round Up Blog when I could not have imagined the Supremes actions of this week. Ahhhh... Time passes!]

Heterosexuals, I love you. I really, really do. But, you are getting on my nerves—you really, really are. Give up this fetish you have with marriage. Gay people, it ain't all it's cracked up to be but you are welcome to it.

Especially grating are all of you married heterosexuals who are, well—let me be honest— cheating, lying, drinking, drug abusing, adulterous, wife abusing, pedophiliac, child abusing, scum suckers who want to reserve the holy institution of marriage for yourselves after marriage has ruined your lives.

What are you thinking! Haven't you realized that marriage is simply standing in the way of your political ambitions?

We need a HAMA—Heterosexuals Against Marriage Act!

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!

I say that heterosexuals have been damaged by marriage and have damaged marriage beyond all hope and should just give it over to anyone else that wants it! If gay people want marriage, well for God's sake, let them have it!

What use does Newt Gringrich have for marriage? About as much as a hog has for roller skates! It has only been a road block to his romantic excursions—an albatross around his neck. And, for Randy Bed-Hopper, marriage was a mere byway on his journey to a career as a live-in “nanny” for a beautiful young woman. Very gratifying, I’m sure. I can imagine. Trying not to imagine. I have a lovely daughter about that age. Throwing up a little in my mouth now...ewwwww.

And, husbands and wives tend to look down on entertainment that involves lesbians, bondage, and S&M at political conventions. Wait a minute! Were there any women at that convention? You know, the “party of family values” convention? Someone should file a discrimination suit if Republican women weren’t invited to the party as guests--inviting them as entertainers doesn't count. And, were there only “lesbian” entertainers? Were there also male entertainers--maybe a drag show? Because otherwise, I think there is a discrimination lawsuit in the offing. If I went to a political convention that only had female entertainers and no male entertainers, I would be hopping mad.

But, I digress.

Look how much more fun conventions would be if no one was married and didn’t have to worry about getting caught. Oh...Wait a minute! No one worries so this may not be a valid point.

Anyway. Where was I? Spouses have no sense of humor and that is one of the main problems with marriage, don’t you think?

Mark Sanford could go to Argentina every weekend if it weren’t for the institution of marriage and his backward, antediluvian commitment to it. Honestly, get a divorce and make an honest man of yourself! Argentina isn't the problem, Mark! Marriage is, dude.

Just think of how marriage has hurt so many politicians! Mike Duvall would have been fine talking about his sexual conquests if it weren’t for that pesky marriage.

And, poor John Ensign! That beleaguered man would have been free to have sex with anyone he wanted if he weren’t married and his friend wasn’t married and his employee wasn’t married to his friend—or perhaps if he had fired one and stopped being friends with the other, or refrained from going on vacations with them both AND with his wife… Nah, nothing would have helped him.

Let’s not even talk about toe tappers in bath rooms, men who are gay but who politically persecute homosexuality and are married to women and have more children than the little old lady in the shoe (what the heck is that about?). Didn’t marriage cause all of this? If they weren’t married, would anyone have cared? Now, their kids have to change schools. That ain't fair.

I am not even going to address men who put the moves on young interns—really young interns or child porn or pedophilia or any other utterly depraved and illegal actions. Only the legal and mental health systems can cure those problems. May the perpetrators rot in hell. (I have never claimed to be a compassionate or forgiving person--ask my husband.)

But, as for the problem of marriage, don’t defend it, I say! Give it away! Let GLBT couples have it. They cannot do any worse than heterosexuals!

We need HAMA—Heterosexuals Against Marriage Act. We've done everything in our power to destroy marriage while claiming to revere it. If we haven't destroyed marriage with alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, child abuse & incest, poverty, ignorance, and dishonesty then surely we cannot be accused of caring. 

We have tried our best. Let someone else have it.

Your friend,

Vivian