Dear Sluts and Whores

Dear Sluts:

What do you call a man who "sleeps around?" Who cares? I'm on to something much more interesting!

Sluts and whores is old school. Remember when it was an insult. Now, I have come to love those words! Sticks and stones, I guess.

Besides, I'm over 60. I am begging someone to call me a slut. I am trying to figure out an anonymous way of calling myself a slut or whore.

What do you call a woman who sleeps around? I use to call her a "sexual adventurer." Oh, what a ring that has! 

Then, I realized that was very limiting and there must be many more delicious, tantalizing, exciting terms for such sexy ladies! And, I am just the word witch to find them. 

Here are mine! Please share yours!

A Womanly Daredevil -- I like it! It makes me think of circuses. And, clowns. Oh, and motorcycles. much more sexy! Yes, I like sexy Daredevils. I can just see it on someone's locker: DAREDEVIL!

A Sexual Entrepreneur? Does that imply creativity or imply an exchange of money. Can't quite decide.

Sexual Gambler! Sexual relationships are always a gamble, aren't they!

Sexual globetrotter? Does that apply to women who stay in one town? Can a sexy woman "globetrot" around her town? I say, yes! A Sexual Globetrotter can have sex in every village, town an city in her county!

Heroine? Yes! A Sex Heroine! Yes! Saving men or women from dull lives and introducing them to... the... dangerous life of sensuality!

Madcap? Oh, yes! I like! Let's call sluts and whores "madcaps!" 

Hateful old woman to her hateful old lady friends at LNO: "My son is going out with a girl who is an absolute... ... a... madcap who has had sex with the entire football team! My darling son has only had sex with the cheerleaders, the pompons and his teachers!"

A Sexual Opportunist... hmmm...I was assuming everyone was willing!... Or would that be a lovely lady who has sex at every opportunity! Park benches! Buses! Trains! Oh, don't be silly, we have a terrible mass transit system! Stick with park benches.

Sexual Pioneer? Yes, yes, yes! "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" Her: "No, but I will buy you one! I am a Sexual Pioneer. What kind of car are you driving. Hey, YOU. Get up off the floor."

A Sex Pirate. Who doesn't want to be a sex pirate? 

Can't you hear Rush Limbaugh now? "A bunch of crazed Sex Pirates broke into a pharmacy in Janesville, WI and stole female condoms and spermacidal gels! Female Sex Pirates are terrorizing every man over the age of 18 and all the young boys trying to look 18."

Sex Romantic. Headlines across the country:  Women who refuse to share their names have been having random sex with men and leaving nothing behind but their underwear -- and a single rose. The men return over and over to the bar where they met these so-call "Sex Romantics" trying to find the girl who smells like the underwear... I mean fits the underwear... because they are bewitched. Bewitched, I say!

Sexual Speculator? Hmmm... Not sure. These are Sexual Adventurers who are trying to invent new positions and sell articles to magazines. 

Sexual Stunt Woman - We all wish to be called SSW's! Hey, if I found that written on my windshield, I'd draw a smiley face underneath!

Sexy Swashbuckler?  It has an old fashioned ring to it. 

On the evening news: "A group of Swashbucklers boarded a boat in Lake Geneva and had sex with the men on board in full view of a restaurant patio. The patrons of the restaurant took pix but no one called the police until the Swashbucklers had left in their mini-vans. 

Sexy Travelers, Sexy Venturers, Sexy Voyagers,  and Sexy Wanderers... Oh my! Can't you just hear the minister now?

"Young men, do not be victim to Sexy Venturers. Do not fall prey to the Sexy Travelers in your college dorm. They merely want to exercise the pleasure centers in their brains. Try out some freedom. Experiment on their bodies and yours! Walk tall down the street. Be full and complete human beings -- as you are. 

Don't you just love language!?!

Your friend, 
Vivian

PS A condom plus reliable BC and common sense