Dear Parents

Oh, fer Gawd's sake! Put away your paddles and belts and spoons and hairbrushes and... whips and ....

Quit sending out those emails and making those Facebook posts about the wonders of spanking children and how much you just loved being spanked. What are you? A masochist? 

These messages make me bleed from the eyes and wherever! 

I am opposed to any form of physical discipline. I doubt that there is any evidence that there is a positive correlation between corporeal punishment and success in later life or any other positive outcome. I would have to actually read the research to believe it.

I have worked with hundreds of people who were physically punished as children. Children vary in temperament and sensitivity. Just like other humans... older humans... 

Some children are terrified. Some are humiliated. Some experience a spanking on the buttocks as a sexual act - even if all they can express at the time is terror.

I have been spanked and seen numerous instances of physical punishment. Never, ever, not even once was the one dishing out the punishment in a calm state of mind with the purpose of teaching a lesson. Therefore...

2. Physical punishment teaches children that it is OK to act out on anger - as opposed to finding other ways of coping with conflict and anger.

3. Spanking is less effective than many other means of punishment.

EX: When my daughter was a toddler, she suddenly learned to turn the disposal on and off - over, and over, and over. She was so precocious!

I asked her to stop. I "scolded" her. I gave her a time out. She returned each time to flipping the switch. I then stood very close to her, crossed by arms, and turned my back. She burst into tears and never flipped that switch again.

There are countless other vastly superior methods of discipline - but, they sometimes require thought on the part of the parent.  Stopping and thinking and acting creatively. What a bummer!

Methods that I and friends have used: 

Have child
a. Write essays! 

b. Sit on the stairs and recite the multiplication table - or the alphabet or addition/subtraction facts or poetry! Yes. Poetry!

c. Replace what they loose, abuse, misuse, etc from their own allowance - using reason in terms of amounts, of course.
Don't be a Scrooge, fer the love of childhood!

d. Read aloud!

e. Run around the house - get some fresh air!

f. Clean the house, dust, do dishes, etc. I know that you are not teaching your brats this because... I know your kids!

g. Write apology letters.

h. Call elderly relatives! Accomplishes a good deed and ... well... children do not want to call elderly relatives.

Parents - take a time out! It's too good for kids. You are the one who needs it!

The single most effective tool I have ever, ever seen or used to eliminate undesirable behavior (nagging, whining, begging, bad language, etc.) is the Reverse Reward!

A. Describe exactly the behavior that you want to stop. (Don't say, "Cut it out" or "Stop that.")

Say, "Do not ask to go the movie again tonight."

B. Then... put a treat on the table (for a very young child) or a jar of treats (for older children). The "treat" has to be something desirable to the child: candy, stickers, coins - or even a mix.

Tell a very young child:

"You will lose that treat if you (beg, whine, ask, shout, etc) in the next minute."

Tell an older child:

"Here is a jar of treats. (Or, money, or stickers, or ...). You will lose one treat every time you beg/whine/shout. Let's try it. You shout out right now!"

After the child has begged, whined, etc. then YOU remove the treat.

Every time the child does the naughty deed, remove another treat, coin, etc

At the end of the time period (as long as a week for teens, a minute for a toddler, an hour or day for children in the mid-range) the child gets what's left.

Now, spanking is certainly easier, isn't it?

I have a very scary theory.  Spanking feels really delicious to parents, doesn't it? I hope not. But...

I love you just as much as you love getting a spanking!

VLL